Helping A SISTA In Need

If I was told that in my past life I was Chicken Little I would totally understand. Why, you ask? Well simply put I have bad timing. My timing with situations have always been off and that's why I have such bad time keeping that normal flow youngsters these days tend to have. Where everything is done at a slow pace and one at a time. Ergo why I relate to Chicken Little, his little ranting and raving of the sky falling was correct, it's just his timing was always off so when it really happened no one wanted to believe, just because they heard him one too many times. Well in memory of my dear old Chicken I am going to rant, rave and plead one more time so that people would understand that my version of the sky has already fallen and seems to be sinking even deeper. So here it goes.

These days I can't have a decent conversation with a guy because he is either crazy or I get the challenged one.

First it was the guy who spoke in his version of 'Broken English'. I literally had to keep looking at his lips to see him form the words in order to communicate with the guy. To this day I honestly cannot tell you what he said since all I did was bob my head, laugh when he laughed and say 'what' in a high pitch voice when he raised his shoulder, open his hands and said "ah know right?"

Second was "Quiet Storm". That baby voiced ingrate who thought speaking with a woman meant inducting the Ying Yang Twins song with his life.

"whisper whisper" hey lil mama let me whisper in yuh ear, wanna go out for ice-cream sometime? "whisper whisper" my name is Shawn what's yours? "whisper whisper" and that is why I can't eat pepper.

And I'm like WHAT FOOL, SPEAK UP!

Third is the WHY man, the guy who asks why for everything, his way of making you feel like he is really interested in getting to know you rather than 'if yuh hav a man and if yuh want one'.

ME: I really like to watch crime shows like Criminal Minds

THE FOOL: Why?

ME: The way they evaluate the criminals by examining every aspect of their personality, behavior, routines and so on to help them solve the crimes and it doesn't help that Shemar Moore is in it

THE FOOL: Hmmm, why?

ME: Ummmm why I like Shemar Moore or why those things in general?

THE FOOL: Aaaa well, yuh know what I mean, (licks lips and leans in closer) WHY?

And that is usually where I check out of that social interaction.

I can't take it anymore. It's like there is a new trend out and about with new rules and styles and you get to endure all the bullshit just because.

Put this simply, I am not a simple bitch, so when people come to me with things I don't understand and I tell you I don't f@$king understand, why are you offended? Just explain and get on with it.

I have never read the BASIC BITCH manual so I have grounds to be difficult if I want, I'm the victim, I'm the one who wasn't informed of the epidemic of INS (Ignorant Nigga Syndrome).

So please, some one please help me understand the ways of this new world so I can make new friends and abbreviate my words properly with less letters and pronunciation, get used to eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi since its the delicacy of every first date and  feeling good about myself when guys suck their teeth at me in passing because a simple 'hi my name is ___, what's yours' is wasting oxygen.

You out there, HELP A SISTA IN NEED!