Pity Given Is A Weakness Shown

The one thing I admire about myself is that I have the ability to forget and forget well. And this ability usually helps me out in a lot of situations since remembering things that have no use to you can turn into something that can hold you back in the long run.
And today I just realised I showed a weakness to some people by remembering and then expressing.
I have known these people my entire life and I consider them family so when one of them got sick and I volunteered to help out, I didn't realise it until today that even though we are not in the same area code any more I'm still volunteering. Well ain't that a bitch!
Every time this person calls or texts that they want something I always promise myself to solidify my resolve, say no and forget but then I remember their pain and what it has done to them and all the chanting in the world can't hold back that flood of pity that then flashes them my weakness like an underage american girl flashing her boobs in throes of drunkenness.
Here I am talking on and on and yet I don't think some people really understand what my true weakness is. Since it's already out there for the vultures to see I am just going to tell you anyway.
I HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR WOUNDED CREATURES.
I tell yuh, if you start crying for something that is truly sad, bring on the water works. If a wounded animal even crosses my path, sure as hell I am gonna adopt it. If someone is injured to the point where they can't help themselves, un-consciously I am going to make it my mission to make your suffering a little easier.
And therein lies the problem now doesn't it?
First it was my problem in saying no to people, got over that now something else pops up.
So now that these people have realised I am a sucker, they put ideas into this wounded persons head about spending time with them and when that person do make up their mind to take them up on their offer for some reason I am always the one holding their hand at the end of the day.
Some naive person would read this and say, "well, you are just a good person." Well I say BULLSHIT!
There is no such thing a genuine good person, that is just a myth. I have a better chance at taking a selfie with a terrorist.
This world isn't a place for genuine people anymore, all the good in a person is basically sucked right out of you at the age where you just begin to speak and understand words. The versatility of language is a dangerous thing.
So now no more cracks in my Dam anymore, no more pity to these abusers out there who can't accept life as it goes on with grace, no more.
I am tired of living in the past that is riddled with pain, guilt and pity.
IT IS TIME TO LIVE FOR MYSELF INSTEAD OF LIVING FOR OTHERS.

Moving On And Sittin' Pretty

I have reached another chapter in my life where I have to let go of what is comfortable and venture into new territory all over again.
The first hundred times was hard enough I don't think this time is going to be any easier.
But with this opportunity there will be space for growth and improvement, so I will be having no qualms as I usually do with everything else in my life.
I will be starting school and a new job. School I can handle now, new job, not so much.
Meeting new people who are more seasoned then you and have to ask for help and guidance from in the work place is always uncomfortable for me because I really don't like to ask anyone for assistance. Gives me acid re-flux.
That and there is always that one person who half way explains procedures to you so that they can have something to reprimand you on later to make themselves feel better.
Well, enough about that, I', supposed to be talking about moving forward in life and grabbing the bull by the nuts.
Whenever I dreamed about my future I always saw this big chested woman standing proud on the edge of a cliff smiling brightly while wads of cash fly around her like leaves on a breeze.
And therein lies my problem. I always saw the money but never the time and effort that goes into getting the money. No that I am semi grown up I applaud my father and mother for protecting me from my own naivete.

Helping A SISTA In Need

If I was told that in my past life I was Chicken Little I would totally understand. Why, you ask? Well simply put I have bad timing. My timing with situations have always been off and that's why I have such bad time keeping that normal flow youngsters these days tend to have. Where everything is done at a slow pace and one at a time. Ergo why I relate to Chicken Little, his little ranting and raving of the sky falling was correct, it's just his timing was always off so when it really happened no one wanted to believe, just because they heard him one too many times. Well in memory of my dear old Chicken I am going to rant, rave and plead one more time so that people would understand that my version of the sky has already fallen and seems to be sinking even deeper. So here it goes.

These days I can't have a decent conversation with a guy because he is either crazy or I get the challenged one.

First it was the guy who spoke in his version of 'Broken English'. I literally had to keep looking at his lips to see him form the words in order to communicate with the guy. To this day I honestly cannot tell you what he said since all I did was bob my head, laugh when he laughed and say 'what' in a high pitch voice when he raised his shoulder, open his hands and said "ah know right?"

Second was "Quiet Storm". That baby voiced ingrate who thought speaking with a woman meant inducting the Ying Yang Twins song with his life.

"whisper whisper" hey lil mama let me whisper in yuh ear, wanna go out for ice-cream sometime? "whisper whisper" my name is Shawn what's yours? "whisper whisper" and that is why I can't eat pepper.

And I'm like WHAT FOOL, SPEAK UP!

Third is the WHY man, the guy who asks why for everything, his way of making you feel like he is really interested in getting to know you rather than 'if yuh hav a man and if yuh want one'.

ME: I really like to watch crime shows like Criminal Minds

THE FOOL: Why?

ME: The way they evaluate the criminals by examining every aspect of their personality, behavior, routines and so on to help them solve the crimes and it doesn't help that Shemar Moore is in it

THE FOOL: Hmmm, why?

ME: Ummmm why I like Shemar Moore or why those things in general?

THE FOOL: Aaaa well, yuh know what I mean, (licks lips and leans in closer) WHY?

And that is usually where I check out of that social interaction.

I can't take it anymore. It's like there is a new trend out and about with new rules and styles and you get to endure all the bullshit just because.

Put this simply, I am not a simple bitch, so when people come to me with things I don't understand and I tell you I don't f@$king understand, why are you offended? Just explain and get on with it.

I have never read the BASIC BITCH manual so I have grounds to be difficult if I want, I'm the victim, I'm the one who wasn't informed of the epidemic of INS (Ignorant Nigga Syndrome).

So please, some one please help me understand the ways of this new world so I can make new friends and abbreviate my words properly with less letters and pronunciation, get used to eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi since its the delicacy of every first date and  feeling good about myself when guys suck their teeth at me in passing because a simple 'hi my name is ___, what's yours' is wasting oxygen.

You out there, HELP A SISTA IN NEED!

Living In Your Fantasy World

Believe it or not, everyone has a made up a world where everything is better in their head. There is no one alive who can say 'life is perfect' and or 'I wouldn't change it for the world' and mean it because they know what they were thinking about a few seconds ago or even a few days ago.
Building a fantasy world in my head was a way to cope with the crazy so I wouldn't go crazy.
Okay, saying it's a fantasy world is a stretch considering I can't stick with one thought for too long. I mean I form different stories in my mind, different scenarios where movies could have gone, books, tv shows or sometimes I make up my own thing. This is one of the reasons why I am such a sad critic.
Such worlds are a good thing. It keeps your emotions from shutting down, keeps your mind rolling on things that was and could be, helps with ideas and creations, just all rounds makes you BETTER!
I love day dreaming. I have lapsed into my realms for hours where I would snap out of it and projects would be done, stories would be written and my art would have a new twist to it that makes it more BEAUTIFUL.
Because that is what life is about right? Finding the beauty in things? Considering all my problems this kind of thinking  is a plus. I'm not sitting in a corner cutting myself or becoming a social recluse because my family is f@#ked up.
That is why if someone ever asked me what my favorite book was I would say 'Alice in Wonderland'. Although I don't agree with practically half the writing in the book it was the match that lit my imaginary fire back in the day. I mean telling kids a little girl followed a rabbit into hole and ended up in another world is a little stupid considering children tend to follow what they read and see and everytime I pictured some little Trinidadian girl following a rabbit into some man-sized hole I always see a big asS snake or some other predator stePping out with fabric hanging out their mouths.
But it is a classic read for fantasy.
I once forgot a SBA I had to write and had and evening to prepare something to show the next day. I was so out of it I just sat there watching my brother watch Justice League on the TV, when I lapsed into one of my coma's. I remembered a scene where I literally repeated the lines where Batman tried to explain to Catwoman why he couldn't go around with the her stealing, at a guy who tried to pick me up at a Chinese restaurant.
"I'm sorry, in my line of work my attention is needed on things that are important."
To say it lightly the guy wasn't too happy but I'm pretty sure he didn't hear a thing I said considering my boobs were telling everyone howdy that evening.
But that one little lapse led to me sitting in front of my computer for six solid hours typing away until I literally had the entire the SBA typed and printed.
The story I created in my head and wrote out was so detailed you could have sworn I was working on it for days.
If I had a choice I wouldn't even have to think about it because I would choose the fantasy over the reality because the reality sucks!!!

Fear + Leadership = Adolf Hitler

Ever since I was young I had and unusual obsession Adolf Hitler. Not because I loved his level of Cray Cray (bat shit craziness), it was how he went from a school drop out to dictator then to country's leader. When I first read about him during one of my many hide and go beat up games with the school bullies, something just clicked. It was like I could have pictured pieces of the man's characteristics in some of the children. By just reading about him, classifying the students became easy, you could just tell their intentions from one observation, one meeting. Adolf Hitler didn't have much going for him but what he did have made him something close to a God back in his day. He had the gift of Dictation.
"I do not see why man should not be just as cruel as nature".
That as one of his quotes that opened my eyes back in the day as to what I was doing wrong. Whether I ran or stood up and fight, the day was always going to end the same. Myself ending up in a fight where my school uniform would have gotten dirty or ripped and my mother not asking questions but just yelling. She did like to yell a lot. Humans are habitual creatures, we don't change no matter the circumstances, so we adapt.
I decided to take another route to the situation, and I got inspired by another quote of his."All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those who it seeks to reach". I took that quote and just ran with it. I adapted. Slowly I took things people thought stupid and corny and made them into something sought after. I made whatever I liked into something they would enjoy. It was no easy task explaining the difference between anime and cartoon, dimensional art with crayon scribbling, different genres of music with just Soca and bopping to any beat to just whining and gyrating to EVERYTHING!
After a while they became bearable, it felt like they were scared little rabbits hiding in a hole and I was the hunter coaxing them out with a carrot and a shot gun. And OH boy was I gonna use that shot gun.
"By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise." Would you believe I became a sought of advocate for the school after a while? Like I said, Dictation is a gift. They started to treat me differently because I spoke properly and could explain myself better in certain situations. Everything changed for me because I embraced my gift of Dictation and started to look at the world through the eyes of the one and only Adolf Hitler.
"Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future". I took down so many mean girls with just a few words with a raised eyebrow, stopped so many teachers with their railroading of their beliefs onto others and weeded out the cockroaches from around me who called themselves my friends.
"I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few". I can't list the amount of times keeping my emotions in check has gotten me out of some life threatening situations. Sealing your lips and nodding your head goes a long way sometimes, but there are time where talking up can be freeing for the soul and sometimes your bank account. You know what I am talking about, person who has people guilting them into giving them money.
"Mankind has grown strong in eternal struggles and it will only perish through eternal peace." Now even though he meant the treaties Germany had with other countries were useless and stupid to him and invasion was his way in uniting the world so he can rule, to me when I sit back and watch my country I think we need a little bit of his thinking. Citizens of Trinidad and Tobago need a little bit of fear and strong arming. We complain about any and everything thus losing the bigger picture. The police force is a system created to keep everyone safe, but we use it as a place for marital complaints and collecting money money money. Politicians always "cracking down" on something by hiring somebody for some made up position which entails money money money. Citizen don't like a rule written by the Prime Minister they picket and strike and then turn it into money money money. I know so much about these politicians lives it amazing. I didn't vote for you so you can tell me what the opposition is doing wrong. I didn't vote for you so you can fix petty problems like roads and international relations. Use all that money you all are wasting on screening people who apply to educate our future generations, properly shaking down areas where there are known illegal activity, keeping a watchful eye on the hospitals and the people they employ to take care of patients, building places where lost individuals can find their way and be of use to society, instead of sending people to jail put them to work like recycling the landfills and cleaning up the streets. Appropriate time for men on horses with guns don't you think? I can go on and on about the things that can be done in shifting this country in the right direction if we all stop thinking on defense and start to attack. The might have been crazy but look what he had done with a few well placed words and a lot of FEAR!

The Comeback of the Word 'OPINION'

Society today is doing nothing worthwhile. Since when did having an opinion become a bad thing? People even have the gall to look you in the eye and call you sarcastic or rude when you give your two cents about a subject. Just because it didn't mesh with theirs. Life is built on opinion, mainly because giving your opinion on a subject is a way of evolving on something or making it better. You get to see the flaws and perfections through the eyes of others.

Even in the schools a child's opinion is over looked because of his or her's age and what they are saying isn't making any sense to the elders because they think they know best. 

A person's character is created and built on whether or not they can think for themselves and show others something that sets them aside from the rest, but when you are forced to repeat the same thing every cycle you end up becoming a 'back it up' person. That person who always agrees and goes along with the others of the group because following is what comes easy for them instead of stopping, thinking it through, forming an opinion on the matter and letting the world know you don't or do stand for it.

I have ended a lot of friendships because people tend to get tired of me having an opinion on everything. It's true, I won't deny it, but let me say this, why in the seventh hell does my opinions bother people so much?

It's not like I'm trying to be difficult for difficult sake, it's just how it is. If you say you don't like the movie because it has too much violence and cussing and I jump in and say 'well to me that was the better part of the show,' where in that sentence does it give a person grounds to get angry?

Really, this is just too much. All these rules on what and what not to say is just getting longer and longer. If this continues, by 2020 when I go out with others I'm going to have to carry along someone with me who really understands the language of the simple minded so that when it's my turn to contribute to the conversation I will just shift my eyeballs in their directions so they can give me some kind of signal stating that it is okay to give my honest opinion or lie lie lie to make the rest happy.

Immortality VS Reality

I don't know why Hollywood always portrays a vampire as this forlorn, grief stricken person who has nothing better to do with his or her time than spend hundreds of years sitting in areas where the wind is always blowing through their hair, their faces are always in some kind of constipated expression and are always country hopping taking part in some cultural beginning like the countdown of New Years or the creation of chocolate. 
Or any immortal character writers have imagined up over the years. If I was immortal, the words grief and depression wouldn't even cross my mind. So much to do, see, explore and create with all the time in the world.
When you look at it from a youngsters point of view, you have to be mapping out your life the minute you hit 12 because its like when you blink after that, you're 21 and havn't accomplished anything worthwhile yet, blink again you're 30, still working your ass off for something you started working on 20 years ago, blink for the last time you're 90, pooping in a bag and have yet to see where all your had work went. Whether you are a billionaire or a hundredaire, when that time comes where you cough and your knee starts to hurt you, picking out coffins, finding a plot of land and writing a will comes like a last ditch effort to make yourself feel useful again. Because when you blink again, I'm pretty sure whatever happens next isn't going to be memorable.
I mean, sip some blood and you get to live forever. Sounds simple enough for me. All your every day fears would turn mute after that change. No leaving home for work and wondering the whole ride if you are going to see tomorrow because something crazy happens and you lose your life. No walking with sharp objects because men these days think it a bright idea destroying a woman's life has turned to a sport. 
But I understand why a living things life span has a limit. My father always say, "some have to dead, for some to survive". If everyone was given the gift to cross that 100 hundred mark and still be able to sneeze and keep all their vital organs, the world would be at a stand still, never moving forward. 
New ideas wouldn't be pitched into the stream of ideas, the world wouldn't have one hit wonders anymore, people like Lady Gaga and Politicians would be out of work because in time they would start to irritate people to violence with their broken records. One thing over and over. With no one new to the world who hasn't listened to them before. Homosexuals would go straight after a while because, well, you know, just because. Don't you get tired of eating meat and fish after a while? 
What I am saying is, there are pro's and con's to both sides. Immortality and Reality. o many things to do before you expire, yet so little time. All in all, I would rather be immortal.