CRUSHES BEING CRUSHED

So I noticed something while I was travelling the other day. Back in my school days even though it was just a few years ago, the things girls are doing now were considered a crime back then. But even though such thing as modesty and dignity is being diluted with the years, the one thing time will never get rid of is a school girls crush.  Yeah I said it.

Who hasn't had a crush? I mean I have dated but never with someone I had interest with at first. They were always the aggressor. Who am I to say no?Anyway, I believe that having a crush is a sacred thing. It is like a rite of passage, a coming of age, a sign of things to come for a young girl. I say this to you because the first time I realized I really liked a boy my entire demeanor and attitude towards life changed, I embraced my femininity. Lip gloss, crossing my legs, putting effort into not unraveling my hair and taking off my school shirt to go play catch in the bush, not getting into fights every single day. My mother enjoyed that one.

Even though I did all those drastic things I am fairly sure he had no idea I existed but who cares? It was all about the adventure anyway. The countless hours spent daydreaming about each other in a disney movie, a disney song, a friggin disney cartoon. The adrenaline rush from having him look at you for even a second even though he was probably staring at something behind you and lets not forget the haggling you encounter when your friends get a whiff of your weakness just to use it against you every second of the day just to shut you up.

I might have had countless boyfriends but I can honestly say I have only ever had three crushes. Rare as they were for me I was so committed that if any of them had gotten a whiff of my true intentions I would have been committed.

Nahhhh..... it wasn't so bad. Maybe, I can't say. Whatever.

To this day I'm still hung up on my first crush though, he can also be counted as my first love. It's weird really because we never had conversations further than our school lives. That and the endless amount of awkward silence encounters we endured over the years and it was always on my part. Being speechless is a bitch I tell you.

I believe this picture describes our relationship.

Those pics are classic. Story of my life then. It subsided really when I moved to another school and so did he. That and the fact that I may have been crushing on a boy before but at my new school my second crush was like a man to me. My god when I saw him for the first time I think some of my brain cells died. My first week there I didn't hear a thing my teacher said, my ears automatically closed the minute I sat down and my eye sight got sharper so that I could see every freckle on his face from my classroom across from him. He was 2 standards up from me (I was in standard 3 and he was in standard 5) so yeah I liked and older guy. I didn't get my glasses until form 2 so I had to go to extreme measures to get a proper look at him. So covertly standing near where ever he was and squinting at him when he wasn't looking was how I spent my lunch time for a while.

He had an exotic look to him, somewhere between Indian and Chinese and being ignorant to culture at the time he was also very fascinating. It didn't last long though, my fascination. Being in an higher standard he was looking for girls with boobs and slender calves. While I had more pecs than my brothers due to all the sports and calves of steel. So I said farewell to him and his beautiful curly hair and put all my attention into my cricket games. I did see him and few years later for my graduation though. He was outside the school with a bunch of other guys scoping out the fresh meat now graduated. Even though it was creepy when he smiled at me and said my name I almost sat in his lap. But common sense prevailed, that and the fact that my mother's right hand of discipline was on my shoulder.

Now, my secondary school days were fairly boring because it was just work and school clubs like all the time, that and the fact that I was practically a minority in that school. All the guys of African descent were either rude, very talkative or in the other school next door and I had a very distinct hatred for anyone in that school.

Crush number three was in my class at my secondary school for three years. And that three years I was taught the term "friend zone". He was my ideal guy. Tall, muscled, kind, smart and had the cutest baby face. But, I apparently wasn't his type. His type was short, thin, fair and whole heartedly annoying. Not buxom (been maintaining a C- cup since beginning of school term), black, sporty and crazy. But even though I dreamt about stripping and taking advantage of him all the time we still maintained a good friendship.

After that I just basically yelled to the world FUCK IT! I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY ANYMORE!

Looking back on it now I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing for the world because such things have made me into the woman I am today.

If more girls embraced their inner stalker girl in love they would understand that its okay to dream about a guy if the situation isn't to your favor because in time you realise that these "what if" make believe dreams are playouts of things you genuinely look for in a guy. They are the preparations for future events. Diving into the world of love and skin ship head first isn't the only way to experience things. You gradually have to grow into it.

But like every teenager would say WHAT DO I KNOW? I'm just a nut who investigates her crushes.