I'M SORRY IS NEVER ENOUGH

I am a closed off woman
A quiet woman
A woman that never has good things to say
I want to be a good woman
A cherished woman
One who has no one held at bay
I can see this wonderful woman
This amazing woman
Just skipping and smiling just out of reach
But the road she is on is for a strong woman
A confidant woman
That woman who has something to teach

I just made that up in one minute. I started my Bachelors this month and one of my classes is an introductory class to poetry. To be honest the last time I did poetry was in form 1, ions ago. So with this class I'm behaving like those really depressing song writers and I have been writing about my life in songs and poetry.

It is really annoying. At least the ice-woman in me believes that.

Since this blog is about experiences and new things for me, I want to get something out of my system. I have a really fucked up way I view life in general. I know this, and I am at least sure that 50% of the people I associate with know this. I'm not some emo chick who goes around talking bout death and shit all day its just that I have become so good at suppressing my true self that this avatar I created so long ago that is so good at socializing with people is beginning to overtake my true personality and lately I don't even know where is up anymore.

That little poem I wrote is an example of what I am struggling with right now. Ever since I realized parents lie just about everything to their kids just so that they can get compliance from them I created a life goal for myself. And whenever I was stuck in a situation that required I choose a certain path, I always looked back on that goal and my path became clear to me. That goal was, and still is to some degree, to graduate from university, find that perfect career, build my dream home and settle down. I am sure almost every child has said such things before in their lifetime and some have achieved it and others have only gotten so far.

I am still working my way through all the fudder that got thrown at me when I graduated secondary school so my plans got mixed up a little and the order in which things were suppose to go isnt so anymore.

Now, at those times where I had to choose and chose that path that led to success I always left others in my dust. It didn't bother me at the time because like I said I was a selfish bitch, someone I had to be to survive. So the title of Best Fried never fell to anyone in my life. Yes I had friends, yes I was somewhat popular but, no one really knew the real me. No one knew about my bouts of depression, no one knew about my home life and what went on there. They all just saw what I wanted them to see and it took someone who I hold close to my heart telling me about her problems for me to realise that I have completely shut down. This shouldn't be, I am supposed to have felt her pain right? Her struggles? Something.... but all I did was the usual shit people normally do when a relative dies and strangers walk up to you and try to comfort you.

We have known each other just about six years now and I have never met anyone more loyal. I would say she is my best friend, I don't know what I am to her seeing as not everyone thinks on the same wave length. Whatever, time will tell right? What I do know is that ever since we had that heart to heart I have been feeling really shitty, like a cold has settled on me and will not go away. I keep going back to those days where she was going through all those horrible things yet she still came to school with a smile on her face with no one the wiser. Guilt is a forefront emotion with me, took me years to realise that my mother saw that first and has been using it to her advantage, so now that I know about my friends past pain I keep remembering those time I was exceptionally bitchy to her during that period. I was wrapped up in my own bubble that was my life that I didn't notice she was crying on the inside while laughing on the out.

In a sense nothing can be done for me at this point so waiting on someone to swoop in and make me human again is nothing but a pipe dream but for her I can somewhat drive up in a taxi and do what I can. I know I have it in me somewhere, that little something that bursts forth when someone is in need and it has the power to settle a storm. I know its not my words cuz that seems to only work properly when I have time to think about it and write it down, so leaning in that direction seems a little a cheesy and lazy to me.

But my written words are all I have to offer, what more is there to give when I can't even pin down the right emotion needed to sound sincere? What do I have to do to get over this hurdle that is my single minded thinking and selfishness to be of any use to someone in need? I have never asked for help before, as you know the people I grew up around shut that down years ago so when the thought of even looking someone in the eye and saying those two words, (HELP ME!) I break out in a sweat and make my self busy just to forget that thought even crossed my mind.

I remember after she finished telling her story and how she felt, I said to her that for something that happened so long ago to make her cry now by just telling the story must be something that is still bothering her to this day. That maybe she should confront the people who gave her such a large scar on her heart. They may think its trivial but once its off her chest there is chance she might feel better.
Advice was all I could have given at the time and it wasn't something I just pulled out of a hat, it came from doing the same thing myself. I confronted my biggest demon and I told her what she did, said and didn't do and being the demon that she was my problem was of no concern to her but at least I got it off my chest, at least now she knows and I feel better just knowing she knows. I had kept all my thoughts and emotions bottled up and tucked safely on a shelf marked DONT TOUCH: FRAGILE for so long that it took me seeing a really depressing movie for that bottle to move and shatter causing me to get cut all over. I cried, and cried until three hours later I wiped my tears and just sat there wondering what the fuck I was crying about. Not knowing it was practically everything.

At the beginning I wrote that I have a goal, a goal that helps me make life changing decisions easy for me, I believe its this one goal that has kept me alive to this day, smiling, breathing, meeting amazing people. Maybe I should have told her to create one of her own, get a broom and start knocking all those fragile bottles off that shelf and replace them with just one made out of plexi glass or whatever Batman used to make his windscreen. Put that one goal in there and keep looking to it for direction, that easy decision maker because there is nothing wrong with being selfish once in a while I would say its the best cure for depression and a really good ass hole repellent.