The End and It's End

I always thought that when I die, the world would end with me. Such were The thinking of my young self. Just the thought of me leaving this world conjured up the image of everything else coming to a halt, a place with no continuation.
I mean, people die everyday, and this is something that took me a while to really figure out and let sink in. Mainly because in this life you see and hear of someone dying everyday and 2 minutes later it is a distant memory unless that person happened to cross your path when they were alive or you were related or connected somehow, then their sudden disappearance stirs something inside you that brings forth the emotions of sadness, grief, loneliness and misery.
Death, and what comes after?
Really nothing you do or who you talk to can answer that question now can they?
From reading my earlier blogs you can see that there was a time where ending my very existence was on top of my to do list on most days but now, the thought of closing my eyes and it not opening again scares the shit out of me.
I have so much to accomplish, so much to make for myself to the point that I can sit back and not worry because the creaking in my bones, the aches in my body and the callousness of my hands tells me everyday that did it. I accomplished what I set out to do so now I can close my eyes and go with the knowledge that Merlene Dunbar wasn't wasted, she used her 100 years to the fullest.
But this world isn't making it easy to fulfill this dream, everyday is new thing you have to look out or a new kind of crazy you have to avoid.
And the people, what is going on with the people? I thought that every generation produced a better brand of futuristics? A brand new set of thinkers whose goals aren't to appease but protect and heal?
I can't take it anymore, I can't take the constant struggle, this constant game of monopoly where everything is moved with money, made by money and has no cards that says STOP PLAYING: Games are for kids.
I mean, is it so bad for a person to want there to be an end?
The rules, the sucking up, the two-facing and the lies, just keeps getting longer and harder to maintain. But it is what the people want, what they crave to survive. Don't abide by it and you always find yourself at the end of the short stick.
So really, running around in a circle to find your niche while creating connections and trying to make a difference so that others can have a better chance at what you got is what 'life' is really about now isn't it.
Who ever looks you in the eye and says enjoying life to the fullest is what it is about is an ass and would probably be the one bad mouthing you at your funeral because stupid you would take their words to heart and go out and try to enjoy your life while ignoring the responsibilities handed down to you and somewhere or somehow they would catch up and you would be gone. With nothing to show for your life other than you 'lived it to the fullest'.
The end is the end and what can only change it is the end. Life is such a fickle thing, I wonder what is gonna happen tomorrow?