It seems that my life is forever going to be filled with misses. since the ending of October of last year, I have been in this endless roller coaster of hospitals, drug stores and elderly homes. My mother had another stroke and low and behold I'm at it again with the constant running round. All because she believed herself to be super woman. Aren't parents suppose to care about their health coming down to the time of their life where their body isn't that of a spring chicken anymore?
There is this thing people in my family like to do all the time. They will come to me for advice or just someone to talk to, in instances I will give a little insight on what is the proper way to go about something or I would just say I don't know. But in the end they would trash my information in their brains and just do what strangers tell them just because what these people portray to them seem like a better faster way at achieving what they want than my slow and proper way. But as usual these type of fast fixes never last long and always end with someone being fucked! Not in a good way. What really 'grinds my gears' is that in the end they would make it full circle to come to me to complain about what happened to them and expect me to pull out my magic wand and some how fix it.
Would you believe they portray me as the villain when I give them the middle finger?
Lets go through the list now shall we: first we have my father, granted he came from practically nothing to a retired labourer who can sit at home comfortably watching football, but that doesn't explain this annoying habit of including me in shit that goes on with him and my brothers and mother. I have seen them fuck with his head on so many occasions and then come back easily like nothing they just said or did didn't happen, and he lets them. But if I so much as say something he doesn't agree with its total war between us. My mother is a total hypocrite who believes I was born to be her nanny and caretaker so she could do whatever the fuck she wants with me on the side lines with a wash cloth and a bucket to clean up her destruction and vomit. My eldest brother might have alziemers seeing as he only remembers people when he wants something, my second brother is probably having a mental breakdown and my younger is a talented little shit just the laziest human being on this entire earth.
This is what I have to deal with people, humans who get to enjoy life while I'm stuck with battling depression, an anorexic bank account and school. My craft business is suffering, I havn't been able to create or draw something in months, my legendary patience has become one of epic status seeing as I havn't snapped and shived someone yet. As of this moment I'm so wound up the safest thing for me to do is write away on my little blog I have been avoiding for a while. Everything I typed seems like a chore, like I'm lying. I feel like a failure who is slowly getting older, running out of time to achieve something that would finally make me happy.
My friends tell me I just need to be in a relationship. WTF! How do I say this without sounding like a total man hater, how the fuck is a man going to help me make more money, pay for a elderly home for my bed ridden mother, do a shit load of class assignments and make my crafts to sell? Isn't being in a relationship going to mean I have to make time to be with that person? Be interested in whatever stupid party he wants to go to every week? Try decoding what he is saying because I have no idea what the new slang words are? These things don't just happen with certain guys anymore, they all come with instruction manuals now. It's fucking exhausting. Don't get me wrong its not always the men at fault, its mostly me.
What I'm trying to say in all this rambling is that every month I seem to get by by the skin of my teeth and I over it. I done running behind my mother when she doesn't even listen to a word I say, I'm done being the sister who tries to help but is ignored because I not a ass to do all the work, I'm done being the daughter who checks up on a father who only shows appreciation with old talk. FUCK IT!
After today I'm going to have to live off of cup soup and water after paying the elderly home fees but at least I'm not going to feel like I like I'm failing by not dropping everything I'm doing to take care of everyone else again.
Oh yea, FUCK DEPRESSION TOO.
