Therapeutic Writings of a Misfit : A really really late BOOK OF THE WEEK!!

Therapeutic Writings of a Misfit : A really really late BOOK OF THE WEEK!!: SEASON GREETINGS Y

How I made Bullying My bitch

After doing a little scanning of my past blog articles it has come to my attention that I had often written about being bullied in school but never really elaborated on it. I'm not ashamed to say that my entire primary school experience was plagued by one fight to another whether it be physical or emotional and 75% of the time I had my ass handed to me.

But really, it took me years to realise that the torment I had endured was actually categorised as "bullying". At the time I just endured it because in my child like mind, it was something happening so frequently around me I thought it was something natural, part of life. So I put on my big girl panties and tuckered on through.

If I was to record the first time I was 'bullied' I would have to say around the time I entered second year in Febeau Government. I have written about those girls before, just not in detail. I can't give names because it was such a long time ago but what I can say is that they terrified me to the point that the thought of leaving my classroom always lead to panic attacks or my nervous tick of chewing on my fingernails until there was nothing.

The pushing and the shoving was how it started. There was a total of four of them, all varying in height but the leader of the group was massive. Massive to me at the time was anything near to or over one foot. I was short. To paint a picture as how I portrayed them in my mind, here it is.

Everyday was something new with those girls. To this day I can't say what prompted them to attack me of all people all the time. I was quiet, made no waves and had no interest in whatever stupid playground games the students always started and ended in a fight but yet they were consistent in torturing me. My brothers were in higher standards than me so one would think I had the opportunity to sick my big bad brothers after them. No dice. At home I may have had them in grip since my father always fell for my crocodile tears but at school I was on my own.

Friends were hard to make since my interests varied from theirs (barbies, cartoons, Barbie's lover ken, latest gyrating dance, Barbie's dream home) and I always stayed inside the classroom, teachers always looked the other way because nobody wanted to mess with the girl (the leader) whose father sold drugs for a living and the principal was an annoying fuck who thought hitting you solved world hunger. Yeah back in those days corporal punishment was legal.

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was coming to the end of term of my second year period. During my highly Co-op mission in avoiding the girls and running to the cafeteria for a snack, I left my belongings in class, i.e my school bag. A child's stationary was and is always going to be a sacred thing, but it also doubled as the first thing bullies always target when the object of their obsession is out of range. When I got back to class the first thing I noticed was that everybody was lingering outside, like they were waiting for something to happen but in typical me fashion I ignored them and went straight to my seat.

 Digging through my bag a scent hit me. I had never smelled it before mainly because my mother had a little OCD when it came to the house so my sense of different smells were limited to bleach or different flavours of Pine-Sol. In school, day old urine and sweaty children was the identifiable smell of the building. So when that acrid stench hit my nose I got a little worried that I might have dropped my bag in poop on the way to school and forgot. Even back then my short term memory was legendary. So I emptied every book out of it and low and behold there it was. The source of the smell. The biggest rat I had ever laid eyes on, squashed and tucked neatly into my English textbook. Then came the snickering, outside, looking through the windows were students laughing to their evil hearts content. Paying no mind to the horrified mask that was my facial expression.

Don't be dismayed though, it wasn't the fact that those girls were evil and disgusting that had me horrified, it was the fact that my bag was relatively new so the thought of my mother actually slapping me into next week had flashed through my mind. She didn't know about the bullying so a good excuse was needed otherwise death was imminent. That bag was the first new school thing I had ever gotten since everything was always hand me downs from my brothers. No sparkly girly book bag for me. Take the sweaty socks smelling, safety pinned together puke green bag your brother doesn't want anymore.

That was what set me off. I literally ran into the leader in the court yard playing hop scotch and we got into a scuffle, when she realised 'this midget could fight' she opted for throwing stones at me. So when she threw the first one, like a white girl dumping food all over a guy in the school's cafeteria in the movies which leads to food fight, I became target practice for the rest of the school all lunchtime. I'm pretty sure some of them thought it was a game.

Ironically enough, I was the one who got yelled at after the bell. I think this pretty much sums up how my face was after the lecture from my teacher.

It got quiet after that, it was like everything before that didn't even happen. Like I became invisible. Some part of me thought that my father got wind of it and did something but the other part just ran with that I must have put the fear of God in them with my Ninja like reflexes and ability to fit in tight corners. I was left to my own devices.

A month later my mother left my father and carried all four of us to her mother's house in the country. We had to assimilate ourselves to life of a country man. Sleeping on the floor, mosquitoes, sugarless tea, waking to the crack ass of dawn to carry water, bathing in a galvanised contraption, shitting in a galvanised contraption (latrine) and basically being used as tools of our "family's" entertainment.  This was where school yard bullying upgraded to in home abuse. I had never met my family members when I wasn't in diapers and pooping on myself so on that faithful day when my mother gave my father the middle finger and moved us to a match box on sticks housing five grown adults, two kids and the devil incarnate (grandmother), there was no love there on both sides. You can tell just from the way they looked at us that we were just interlopers.

My mother didn't make it any better with the way she went gallivanting all over the place, braying to people that her life was stifling blah blah blah, my father was a dictator blah blah blah. I didn't mind that she and my father fell out of love, but to me, if anyone had asked I would have told them...

These things happen. At such a young age fussing over it was a waist of time, not like they were married or anything. What pissed me off really was the fact that she could friggin exhale by herself, she had to drag all four of us into it just because. I asked her about it once and she replied, "Well, I wasn't going to leave you all. I am your mother so you all had to come with me."
I don't think to this day she realised that what she did was totally selfish and unreasonable. She took four young children from a home that could house fifty, their own space, a father whose only fault was that he had problems expressing himself to his kids and carried them to a box in the woods filled with vile creatures who thought they were fucking incredible.

My brothers got the worst of it. The 'city' culture was totally different to that of the 'country life'. Respecting elders, saying good morning; evening; night to everybody, doing manual labour for strangers, all that other bullshit was considered mandatory. We didn't have a problem with that. We did our part seeing as how we were guests in their shack. But no, evil knows no bounds so they had to push the envelope. Our uncles Kefim and Keron weren't so bad, they weren't good either. Keron was the last of eight and Kefim second to last. They would joke with us and such so they were considered safe. Until one day solidified my hatred for these people called 'family'. The country is a place littered with blood relatives all over the place so I considered everybody my cousin. No third eyed baby for me. So one evening they were all drinking and carrying on in the gallery of grandmothers houses, with the rest of the children sitting inside pretending to watch television. We had already moved to another house after about a year. When Joel, an officer mind you, intoxicated as usual called his dog. This dog was crazy, it ran down anything that moved. When it was younger we had fun with it, until it bigger we avoided it and it's crazy eyes.

They were hollering and hooting at how the dog kept walking back and forth in front of the house like he was just waiting for one of us to come outside. So they got it in their rum soaked heads to do just that. My youngest brother, was about five at the time and didn't give a shit about nobody, so they didn't like him very much. Always answered back, so he became their intended target. Joel picked him up and put him over the banister. My brothers and I absolutely lost it, we started crying and shoving to get to him but they were preventing us from doing so. All I remember is tip-toeing over the banister yelling at my brother not to run but he's a child, whose confronted by a friggin frothing by the mouth dog so of course he is going to run like a mad man. Everything happened like a whirlwind after that, my second brother had a temper. One minute he's calm and the coolest person on earth, the next he's huffing and puffing and someone is gonna need an ambulance. He said or did something to Joel that resulted in Joel grabbing him by the arm, dragging him outside and placing him stomach down on a pile of red ants. I think I stopped breathing that very second. In my shock I remember my mother taking hold of me and my oldest brother before he did something and steadily dragged us out of the house, leaving my second brother crying his heart out while being covered by ants with a big foot on his back holding him still. Everyone else sitting and laughing like fucking hyenas. Sad to say if one of them needed a organ transplant I would have bombed every hospital just so they could die a painful death.

(I wouldn't by the way because that is wrong. I would though in my head)

Things like that steadily happened in around that household. I like to think there was where we got the worst of it because in my new school, Indian Walk Government, there wasn't any bullying going on. It became my sanctuary away from all those crazy people. The school was old and rustic and had an abundance of characters. To this day I have a friend I met there, Jude. He always made me laugh but he had this quirk where he would write straight across the copy book page to the other resulting in his father having to come to school like everyday. I loved it there, but there is never a time where comfort is a luxury for me. Because the school was a disaster waiting to happen, they transferred all the students to nearby surrounding schools and demolished it.

This new school was a nightmare. I don't think bullying was a norm there but the minute I reached, they made an exception. Fifth Company Anglican School was home away from home. Both primary I had attended before were very close to me house but this one we needed a bus. At this point both my older brothers were collected by my father but my little brother and I were left with our mother. That day was hell, when I saw him I though black Jesus had come to take me away only to be sorely disappointed when he didn't even fight for me and just took my brothers and left. To this day he talks as if I conspired with my mother to leave him or something. If he had told me those things at the time I would have given him it hood style...

 

I mean really, my schedule was already full with lunch time beatings and stealth manoeuvres.

 

Fifth Company Anglican graduation rate sucked balls. The number of students who actually passed for seven year schools was so slim, I don't even think students even tried just knowing they were all just gonna be placed in the local junior secondary. Hence leaving them with a lot of friggin free time. My first day there in third standard, a girl who could have easily passed as the worlds tallest girl started following me around the school. I didn't sense any malice so I let her continue her weird stalking until the teacher realised she had found a guinea pig in me and strapped me down lunch time so that I could help the girl with a alphabet. It was fun, until I decided I had enough and joined the cricket team. The girl's sister didn't like me abandoning her too much so they retaliated. First was my box lunch. They would hide it, empty the contents on my desk, did through it with their fingers and or switch out my meat if it is bigger than theirs. Then came the pushing and shoving after school. They couldn't do on the compound because there was one teacher who could see for miles. To get to the bus after school was a Low budget Mission Impossible remake every time. They would literally stand in front the gate and take off after me when they spot me.

 

I can't say for how long that lasted but after they forgot about, a guy who was in a standard above me picked up the mantle. He didn't last long either but he did one thing to me that to this day make my gut heave and skin crawl.

 

With those boxed breakfast they always brought for us, the one that was most constant was the bread and cheese. I stepped away to go wash my hands and when I came back the boy was in my class sitting on a desk in the back of the class. Should have learned form the first time it happened but yet again I ignored my spidey senses and proceeded to eat. It was only after I finished he busted out laughing.

 

"You actually eat all of it, I spit in it!"

 

Lets just say I never ate anything from school, other people, relatives or even restaurants for over a year after that. Good news is I lost weight.

Eating became a chore, I would get stomach cramps whenever someone offered me food. LET'S JUST SAY PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A SNOB.

 

After that the bullying came to a screeching halt. What I can say is that after I started immersing my self in all the sporting activities, I automatically became cool. So basically being a social recluse ticked people off. I don't know why me reading a book during lunch time or doing projects early tend to tick stupid children off but there it is.

 

Over the rest of my time there I became a sought of buffer for the other misfits. I may have made friends with the 'popular' kids but I still indulged myself in some intelligent conversation once in a while. I talked to everyone, even down to the cleaners. There was no one who didn't know who Merlene Dunbar was. It may sound like bragging but a smile can go a long way. Through all the shit I had to endure when I was home, I always left it there whenever I put on my school uniform and cross the threshold to go for the bus.

 

I believe that that kind of thinking lead to me developing my coping mechanism for selfish and mind boggling people. If you can't beat em' keep smiling at them they eventually get scared and leave you alone. I don't have any enemies. I have gotten so good and keeping the peace that people don't have a bad thing to say about my person. They can bitch about how I dress or my opinions and such but personality wise and my well being? Is all good.

BOOOKSSSS GOOOOD

So, I just realized that I started writing about books and then stopped, mainly because I am finding my self in some awkward situations lately that require a lot of my attention, so today I am going to list my top book series I have been devouring over the weeks. They range from Young Adult to 18+. I'm listing the entire series, well to where they have reached really, because when I read one book and there is another I have to read it before I can move on to something else, so here you go. 

My top Book Series as of late.

The Lux Series By Jennifer L. Armentrout. (if you have a e-book reader you can practically get all the books in epub form on www.tuebl.com)

Genres: Romance, Science Fiction, Comedy, Action
About the Protagonists: Daemon, the alien whom are called Luxen, is a narcissistic, brooding, handsome, hot and dangerous jackass who is in high school, lights up brighter than the sun and is mourning the death of his twin brother who was killed by another alien race, called Arum, who survive in the dark and feed off life force. The government keep watch of them in a quaint little town, filled with Luxen and humans who are non the wiser.
Kathy, the human who moves into the town and is the new girl at the school who ultimately catches the eye of Daemon and then obviously learns about his secret which naturally puts her in danger like all the time.
Together they face off with Luxen, Arum and the government while they grow into their attraction and love for each other. Honestly I might be making it sound cheesy but when you get over the Disney bullshit the twist and turns in the plot of the story actually gives you an exciting read.

The Charley Davidson Series by Darynda Jones

Genres: Romance, Smut, Supernatural, Comedy, Action, Thriller
About the Protagonists: Charley is an Private Investigator who runs her business out of her father's bar, has a crazy best friend who is also her secretary/partner/coffee maker/body guard, names her body parts, can see dead people and is the grim reaper. The book starts off with her having raunchy dreams about a mystery man who she later tracks down and begins this epic battle with for her life and her heart.
Reyes is a smexy, dangerous piece of caramel drop who battles the king of hell (his father), his minions and human jail just to be with Charley.
Together they battle the demon spawns of hell for a little piece of normalcy and to have a lot of sex without being interrupted by demon dogs, nosey family members and dangerous serial killers.

Elemental Series by Brigid Kemmerer.

Genres: Supernatural, Romance, Action
Summary: This story revolves around four brothers who each have the ability to use and control an earthly element. Micheal Merrick(earth), Twins Gabriel and Nick (fire and wind) and the youngest Nick (water). They are more the focal point even though a lot of other families have the same abilities, it's just the Merrick family's bloodline is a lot more powerful. In this series you see them gradually leaving their little haven they created to avoid the scrutiny of the other families who consider them monsters and become more fierce in protecting each other and the love of their lives. I practically spent an entire day looking for this series when someone recommended it for me on Goodreads seeing as they read that I like books, comic, mangas, just about anything that has to do with the elements.

The Gray Court Series by Dana Marie Bell

Genre: Smut, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy
Summary: This fantasy novel centres around a mythical fairy land where there is the Black Court of Dark Fairies and the White Court of Good Fairies. In between the war of the fairies there is a family, the Dunne family who are neutral but gradually get pulled in when each of the Dunne children begin to find their mates. Death, sadness and prophesies abound when Dunne family is seen as tools in helping win the war on both sides. The sex scenes in this book was both a mixture of kinky, romantic and spontaneous. They were jack rabbiting all over the place every five pages, the scenes always meshed with the flow of the story.

The Darkest Powers Trilogy by Kelley Armstrong.

Genre: Supernatural, Romance
About the Protagonists: Chloe Saunders is a misfit, that girl who just couldn't fit in. Mainly because she could see ghosts but the minute they saw her, the never left her alone. Being unable to control her gift her parents placed her in a home for the troubled not knowing it was a front for carrying on experiments on children with gifts. A home where everyone had a gift but was afraid of Chloe because her gift was necromancy, animating dead corpses.
Her love interest was neither more beautiful that Lucifer himself, he didn't sleep with blonde cheerleaders, he didn't look up at the moon brooding at how shitty his life was while looking at her with "fuck me eyes" or whatever shit is the norm this days with male love interest in novels. Derek was just a ugly, bad underarm smelling, cynical gentle werewolf whose only problem is figuring how to shift without puking. That is best I can describe him.

The Strange Angels series by Lilith Saintcrow
Genre: Supernatural, Action
About the Protagonist: Dru Anderson has what her grandmother calls "the touch". She gets images and such about the supernatural when she touched objects or people. Things get out of hand when her father, a hunter of things supernatural and deadly, turns up at their home a walking corps (zombie) she knows shit has just hit the fan and somebody is going to have to pay.

 

The Denenzen Series by Jus Accardo
Genre: Science fiction, supernatural, romance, action
About the Protagonists: Deznee Cross is an adrenaline junkie whose sole mission in life is to piss of her father. She found the most ultimate way in doing that in picking up and injured blue eyed stranger and taking him home, only to be threatened, shot at and rendered a runaway.
Kale is a supernatural charged assassin who chose that night to run away from the organisation who had held him prisoner only to run in to the daughter of the man who made his life a living hell. Only to try to kill her to get back at him and escape backfiring when his death touch did nothing to her. Here began their burgeoning love for each other and deep hatred for the corporation and the man the considered the devil incarnate. I fell in love with this series, a series I am still reading by the way, because Deznee is so witty and resourceful it make s the story even better and Kale is so wickedly innocent the Sadist in me comes out whenever read.

ALL MY TIMES BEING PRAISED!!

When I was younger I had this strange obsession with the Adams Family television show.

Let's not say obsession more like a strange creepy longing toward it, mostly because their weird family interactions always seemed like how mine was supposed to be.

That being said, my siblings and I can say for certain that our parents had never praised us in any endeavor we had put ourselves into and succeeded. Like in the Adams Family the kids are always doing something weird and or close to murder and their parents always regarded them like they were the best children in the world. With my parents, they always looked at us with strange expressions on their faces whenever we burst into the room with a trophy, ribbon, medal or a friggin signed copy of Nelson Mandela's memoirs (true story) all giddy and hyped up waiting eagerly to get that parental nod of approval or "You did wonderful honey good job." What was waiting for us was a raised eyerow and a look that screamed, "So, isn't that what you were suppose to accomplish?" "Why are you behaving like you found the cure for AIDS? And when are you going to get started on that?"

 I strongly believe that such poor enthusiam on their behalf stunted us into really caring about all the things pre-teens and teenegers raved about, like school sports day, school christmas programmes, school easter programmes, just about anything school related or that contributed in us winning anything. So when I was praised for the first time in second year of Febeau Government Primary School by my teacher on my first place position in the class all term round, my heart soared. I mean she spent an entire hour brayying to the other students on how diligence and the desire to learn can get you many things. When she was finished my nose was so long I could smell the green kid in the other class.

That particular day set a standard for me and my studying, everything became about school. My usual inner turmoil about making friends was forgotten because I had found comfort in the pages of my textbooks. But over time that wasn't enough, seeing as teacher apparently do not like it when one student seems to be the only one putting in effort in a class of 34. Go figure. So I sought recognition elsewhere. It started with the other introverts in the school. The ones who spent all lunch time digging up worms in the court yard and collecting them in bowls or whatever container they could their hands on. I was relatively good at it having three brothers who spent a good portion of their days finding the grossest things to plant in my room, clothes, bags, shoes, just about anywhere in my vicinity. It took special skills to get them back with something bigger and nastier. After came the Red Cross, my knowledge of the human body was legendary since my brothers and I got injured just about every other day but that was short lived because my father yanked me out of there my head spun and to this day he has yet to tell me why.

Then came the sports then starting a whole bunch of clubs. Just like there are people who get high off of adrenaline, I got my high off of people saying just two words, "GOOD JOB!"
Even though I am a grown ass woman now I still believe that some part of me still enjoys it when I am praised even if it is some small menial thing.

Also, I probably would have been more awesome than I am now if my parents had behaved like humans instead of poorly made robots.

You all might think I'm whining and complaining a lot about my parents, well tough. I created this blog especially for this purpose but I got distracted along the way, so I think it is about time start venting in my writing to make it therapeutic so I can stop feeling like a misfit. See what I did there?